My story!

HelloJ allow me to introduce myself. I’m sixteen years old (I will be seventeen in 3 weeks! Scary!!) and I live in Scotland, in the UK. I’ve wanted to start a blog for a long time but never had the courage, but recently I’ve had a change in my mindset, and have decided to give it a go in a hope it will give me the extra encouragement I need. I’ve suffered from Anorexia Nervosa since I was just gone fourteen years old, and although I am now weight restored and have been on the journey of recovery for a fairly long time now, I still struggle mentally, although not many people are aware of this! Many people think I’m fine now. I seem to be very good at planting a believable smile on my face, and tricking people.

I was born in 1993 to my beautiful family. I have two little brothers, the eldest being 15 and the younger being 12. It may be worth mentioning now before I forget that brother #2 is autistic and suffers from amongst other things, severe OCD and ADHD. Anyway. Up until the age of 13 I was a perfectly “normal” young girl. I loved life. I loved my friends. I loved food. I loved performing. I loved being the centre of attention. I had a brilliant group of friends and although they were mainly from out with school, we were a very tight bunch of girls (and boys!) and my social life was amazing! I’d be out every single weekend staying at friends houses, having fun, eating pizza and cake, making fun videos, taking pictures, going bowling and so on. I was having the time of my life. I was a keen performer and danced four nights a week as well as going to acting classes and performing in regular musicals with a musical theatre group in my area. My life was at its best. It was when I was 14 though that I first started to worry about my weight. I was (was, being the operative word here) best friends with a lovely girl, who I am still in touch with today. She was really very pretty and was extremely thin. She had been underweight until a few months before we started getting clothes, and although unintentionally, I had been around her being very thin. She had the flattest tummy and the most toned arms and legs, and I felt extremely frumpy and fat next to her. Looking back, I wasn’t. I was a regular size 8 to 10 with curves in the right places (I think…) and an ass! It was a couple of weeks before my 14th birthday that I started to become particularly aware of my body. I looked in the mirror and saw somebody, not fat, but who could do with losing a couple of pounds. I sat every night writing up and diet and exercise plans, which would always fall through the next day. I never ever stuck to them and always ended up having a chocolate bar mid morning and a piece of sticky toffee pudding after my dinner.

During the summer of 2007 however, things took a bit of a dive, and I think, this is when my eating disorder really started. I initially decided to cut out all things junk. I began to skip my takeaway, normally a chippy, on a Monday night, courtesy of my Nana! I remember seeing the disappointment on her face when I refused the steaming plate of happiness that she would order in for us. Instead of the plate of delicious grease, I popped a weight watchers ready meal in to the microwave and sat and ate it with my family. My snacks went from being bags upon bags of crisps and bars of chocolate to a simple banana or a cereal bar, and my daily stop at the shop after school to gorge myself on treats quickly vanished. At this point I was dancing a lot. I enjoyed highland, tap and modern and was pushing myself to limits I didn’t think I was capable of. I started to receive praise on my dancing and was put forth for competitions in the near future. (sadly I didn’t end up competing due to my inability to stand, let alone dance!) About a month after my “healthy eating” began, I received comments, and in fact, compliments on my weight loss. I was not overly aware of my weight loss, as I didn’t weigh myself all too often, but when I stood on the scales eventually and saw I had dropped four pounds I was extremely happy. When I looked in the mirror though, nothing had changed. I still had the spare tires around my tummy and the flap on my thighs that “jiggled” when I danced. My boobs were still so big and looked incredibly stupid protruding out of my already massive body. Or so I thought.

I decided to push it a bit further, and by the end of September my breakfast had banished from sight. Mid morning break at school consisted of one fruit pastille, or one jelly haribo. That was enough. It was more than some people ate anyway. When lunch time sped around I “stuffed myself” with a banana roll or a banana sandwich, with a massive serving of ¼ of a small pot of butter from the school canteen. Despite the fact my friends were tucking into steaming hot plates of chicken curry followed by gloopy custard and cake, I still felt, and truly believed, I was eating way too much, and way more than them. After school I danced. Dancing used to be enjoyable for me, but by this time it can become an obsession. I needed to dance to burn off my lunch and if I wasn’t given a challenging enough routine to practice, or if I was told to “sit out” for a while to get my breath back, I got frustrated. I was at dance class to DANCE, not sit around or flounce around to “pathetic” routines which didn’t push me. Returning from dancing I’d simply heat up a weight watchers ready meal in the microwave or get my mum to make me a 2 egg omelette with the smallest bit of cheese possible. She wasn’t aware of how little I was eating. I managed to convince her for a long time that I was still enjoying bar among bar of chocolate during the day, yet whenever she offered my a simple crisp from her packet or asked me to try the chicken she’d made for the family, I refused.

The eating pattern I followed continued this way until around December. I began to get extremely withdrawn from my family and friends. I was always alone and never saw my friends. The time spent with my mum and brothers was extremely rare and I never ever made plans to see my grandmother or grandfather. The weekly trips to the cinema or shopping centre with my grandma quickly ended. I was either “ill”, “had lots of homework” or was “seeing friends”. needless to say, all of this was lies. In reality I was in my bedroom, doing sit ups and walking on the spot while watching Discovery Food Channel. Around the end of November/start of December my exercise began to increase. I was still dancing however my energy levels had plummeted and I was unable to complete any routine I tried. Surprisingly I managed to complete my highland dancing exam around November time and also managed to take part in a dance show, and shockingly enough managed to perform three solos to a packed theatre. I was convinced I look hideous and refused to wear the outfit they wanted me too. I got my way. My eating disorder had become so manipulative and I had again succeeded in convincing someone important to me, to do something. Following the dance show in December though, I was forced to quit. Not only was my mum reluctant to let me attend classes, but my dance teacher, who was becoming increasingly concerned refused me. She knew what was going on. She had seen it before. But I simply told her I had been to the doctor and diagnosed with an over active thyroid and similarly I was just getting over a tummy bug. Little did I know, there had been discussions between my mum and my dance teacher and she knew exactly what was going on.

My eating stayed the same all throughout December and I was getting by on around 400 calories a day, at most. A few days before Christmas, my mum informed me I was going to the GP. I went, reluctantly. The night before my visit I screamed and cried at my mum. I was unable to see the damage I was doing to myself and believed, whole heartedly that I was doing something good for my body. Surely the thousands of sit ups I was doing per day was beneficial and surely I was keeping my body pure and whole without poisoning it with food and drink. By this time I was drinking only one cup of diluting strawberry and raspberry juice a day. I drank it right before bed. I hated the feeling of anything in my tummy and drinking the tiny amount before bed was “easier” as I didn’t have to feel in my tummy. My sleeping was horrendous by this time and I was waking up at around 3am every morning, and that was me awake for the day. It still shocks me today as to how I managed to complete the gruelling 4000+ sit ups I inflicted on myself every day with a few hours sleep and no food. The GP visit was a disaster and I refused to let him weigh me, or even touch me. He told me there was nothing he could do if he didn’t know my weight and I was simply encouraged to keep a food diary. I told him in my most enthusiastic voice that yes, of course I would do that. Following the GP visit I didn’t speak to my mum. I didn’t speak to her for around three days. She had forced me to do something I didn’t want too, and I knew she was determined to make me fat.

Christmas 2007 was a living nightmare. My great grandma and grandad (Nana and Papa) had invited us all out for a Christmas meal at a hotel. I dreaded it for weeks before, and I knew that one of the four courses I’d be presented with would exceed my daily calorie limit alone. Instead of ordering a starter, I simply choose a fresh orange juice. I didn’t touch it. I gave it to my Grandma and then placed the empty glass in front of me. I felt powerful. I’d gotten away with one course so the rest should be easy. Course two came. I’d ordered the salmon dish, but of course I’d asked for boiled potatoes instead of roast potatoes and had requested that the garlic butter was put on the side and not on top of the fish. When the meal came, my heart flipped. I knew, deep down that I wouldn’t eat it anyway, so there was no need to worry, but the panic battered through me none the less. I transported the potatoes on to my mum’s (then) boyfriends plate and picked up my cutlery ready to “tuck in”. after around four forkfuls of salmon and two brussel sprouts, I was finished. I fooled myself into thinking I had been greedy. I’d eating Christmas lunch. That was the ultimate defeat. I was completely oblivious to the calories and I had no idea how much oil had been used when cooking. I’d let myself go. I felt my thunder thighs grow as I sat under the table. Despite doing two thousand sit ups before I left for the meal, I longed to go home, lock myself up in my bedroom and punish myself further. When the chocolate cake I ordered came, I couldn’t even look at it. My mum’s boyfriend ate it “for me” and then I planted the empty plate in front of me, so that it looked as though I’d eaten it. Half of me was glad. I’d gotten away with eating as little as possible. The other half of me felt terrible. This had been the one chance I’d had to prove to my family I was okay and I could do it. I’d blown it. The look of despair and disappointment, and complete worry on my family’s faces was crippling. At the time though, I was convinced that they thought I was greedy. Someone so big as me shouldn’t even be allowed the miniscule portion that I’d had. Following the meal the family came back to our house. Normally we attended my grandmas house for more fun, games, food and drink but this year we’d chosen to come home to our house. This was a relief as it meant I could hide upstairs and do the thousands of sit ups that my “body” craved. Christmas day was spent exercising all day and yet again I went to bed on an empty stomach, apart from the daily glass of diluting juice.

January and February was horrendous. I spiralled out of control and my eating plummeted further. I was starving myself all day until around 8pm, when I’d eat up a small bowl of soup, and then around midnight I’d have a weight watchers yoghurt at a measly 50 calories. Sometimes I’d change the yoghurt for a piece of low calorie toast with a scraping of jam on it, but there was never a duplication and I’d never have both. I experienced the extreme hunger in the morning but as the day went on, the feeling of hunger disappeared. I’m not sure if I was mentally pushing it out or if it physically wasn’t there. My mood was extremely low. I didn’t communicate. I snapped with everybody who came into contact with me. I spent my day on “my supermarket.com” looking at all of the different foods, and watching Discovery Food. I was particularly fond of Rachel Allan’s Home Living and The Barefoot Contessa. School became incredibly difficult and I found it so hard to concentrate. Despite this my grades soared and I was constantly receiving praise for my good work. My perfectionist attitude was at its greatest and I was determined to succeed in everything I did. When I writing something out, it would take me double, or sometimes triple the amount of time it took everyone else to do it. I was determined to form every word correctly and if I made even the smallest of mistakes I’d rip the page out and start again. I took drama at school, and dreaded the periods when we had to do practical work. I had no energy to even act as myself, let alone as anybody else. My favourite subjects were the ones I could sit down and work independently. I’ve always been an extremely independent person and like doing things my own way and when my eating disorder entered my life, this personality trait was evident.

March is when my world came crashing down. Things came to an all time low. I never saw my family. I never saw my friends. Yes, I was going to school every day with them, but we never talked. I spent lunchtime in the library. At the very beginning of March, I attended the outpatient centre for the first time. It was a Wednesday. I was informed of the meeting on the Tuesday night. The meeting was absolutely horrendous. I cried and screamed. I refused to get on the scales. I gripped on to my chair when they tried to ease me off. They tried to get me to drink a small sip of water. I refused. I couldn’t. I was scared. When they tried to get me to take off my huge jacket, I also refused. They couldn’t see my body. It was fat. They thought I was thin. I wasn’t. they’d be so shocked and revoulted when they saw my real body. And plus, I was freezing. My fingers were constantly purple and similarly, my lips hadn’t been pink in a long time. Under my baggy jeans, I wore three pairs of tights, leggings and long socks. My Ugg boots weren’t even enough to keep my feet warm. I refused to let them weigh me, so they had to let me go after three hours being interrogated. I had to go back on Friday and if I didn’t allow them to weigh me, then they would take action. They didn’t tell me WHAT this action would be, and I was convinced I was too fat for anything to even occur. Wednesday and Thursday night was horrible. I didn’t speak to my mum, and I cut my food even more, not that there was much to cut. The appointment on the Friday was the worst day of my life, or definitely one of. I was forced on to the scales. I had no idea of my weight convinced I was still what I was before I started to loose. I didn’t look at the numbers. Susan (the eating disorder specialist who would soon become a major part in my life) went out of the room to talk to her assistant. She told me before she left that if my BMI was lower than 14 then I would be admitted to a specialist hospital. She failed to tell me however, that this specialist eating disorder hospital would be an hour away from my home. She was out of the room for around half an hour, and during this time I sat in silence. I didn’t even look at my mother. She came over to me and tried to hug me. I pushed her away. She was horrible. She was putting me through this. It was her fault.

After an agonising wait, Susan came back into the room. She looked at me, she looked at my mum. She wasted no time in telling me the facts. There was no prancing around the subject. My BMI was below 13. I was going to hospital on Monday. I’d be there for however long was suitable. My mum wouldn’t be staying. I’d have to eat three meals, and three snacks per day. I would have to reach a suitable weight. And perhaps the worst thing of all. It was definite. I couldn’t stop it.

The weekend was not nice at all. I ate a yoghurt over the weekend and was plagued with guilt over those fifty calories. It was more than I NEEDED to have. My mum had given up trying to feed me anyway so why had I eaten it? I felt more of a failure than ever.

My hospital stay was most definitely the worst experience of my life, and I doubt anything will ever come close to it. It doesn’t even bare thinking about. Needless to say, I started off on a very small meal plan. When I was first admitted I was only expected to eat around 500 calories a day however this increased and by the time I’d been in around a month I was chowing down over 3000 calories a day. In all honesty, I looked forward to meal times. Id denied myself food so much, denied my body the nourishment it needed for so long that actually being forced to eat the food was not too bad. It was after my meals that I felt the worst. I felt as though with each meal I ate, I gained three pounds. If it wasn’t for the fact we had to sit in a meeting after every time we ate, I’m sure my exercising would have continued, and in fact, increased. Every week I gained the required amount, and sometimes more. However when I was eventually allowed weekend visits home, my weight often dipped or maintained. Despite the fact I wasn’t managing to meet my meal plan at home, I was discharged with a BMI of just over 15. My outpatient team were keen to get me out as hospital was making my mood incredibly low and they were afraid of depression kicking in. My mum wasn’t too thrilled at the fact I’d been let out at such a low weight however I assured her I wouldn’t go back down hill. Initially after being discharged from outpatients, I was determined to lose weight. I tried everything I could, without my mum getting too suspicious. But she was extremely constant and wouldn’t let me dip. She knew that if I missed out my morning snack, I’d miss out my morning snack the next day too. And she was aware of the fact that when I wanted to swap my pudding for fruit, this fruit would soon be non existant. This helped me and her persistence was a good thing. I didn’t feel as though I was completely to blame for me eating when I didn’t deserve too. For a long while after I was discharged I felt as though I had experienced my phase of eating and that should be it. I shouldn’t have to eat again. I didn’t do anything with my life, to deserve to eat. My eating pattern when I came out was more routined than it had ever been. I was eating breakfast, snack, lunch,, snack, tea and supper. I didn’t resort back to my sit ups but if I didn’t go out for at least one hours walking a day I felt incredibly guilty and would often end up frustrated and in tears over the most simple of things. This didn’t happen too often though as I would be out walking in rain or shine, or in my case, thunder, lightening, extreme fog and snow. I continued to see my outpatient team at least twice a week. When I returned to school I had to go to a special classroom and eat my lunch with somebody from the clinic who would come in and “support” me. I hated this. I especially hated it when my teachers would nip in and out of the classroom to “get a folder” or “pick up some essays”. I felt as though they were simply spying on me and would think I was greedy when they saw me stuffing myself with my huge lunch. I was required to get weighed once a week, and for the first two months I did gain enough each week to boost my BMI up to around 16.5 however after this I started to maintain. I hadn’t particulary cut anything out of my diet. In fact, I lie. I had. The yoghurts which had once been creamy and chocolatey had turned to a small pot of low fat yoghurt and the cakes and biscuits for snacks had become a lower calorie option of fruit and yoghurt. I wasn’t loosing weight though so I was incredibly scared to up in my intake. I maintained my weight for around 6 months after. Throughout this time I was still withdrawn from my friends and although I was closer to my family, I still got panicked by busy family occasions and parties. I was sticking to my routine and wouldn’t eat a single calorie more than I was “expected” too.

I began to get lectured though about my weight. I didn’t have my period and so my body wasn’t healthy. Around May 2009 is when I started to “binge”. I’m not overly sure if it would be classified as a binge though as it was more that I starved all day and then stuffed myself full at night. I would begin eating around 7pm and wouldn’t stop until midnight. I don’t have any reasoning for it. I initially though that it was because I hated having food in me throughout the day, but then, I’d had that sensation for over a year now and had become used to it. Looking back, I think I was boredom eating. My social life didn’t exist and I could busy myself during the day with daytime tv, shopping, school and going for walks. However when night time came around I was bored. I had nothing to do. And so I found myself eating, constantly. It was always the same things I ate every night. In the same order. At the same time. I dreaded the time coming where id have to gorge myself silly, but similarly I looked forward to it. This continued for long time. All throughout my holiday to turkey. Although in July 2009 when I did go on a family holiday to Turkey with my family, I managed to eat a bit better. By this time my weight had gone up and my bmi sat at just below 18. Things continued this way for a while. I continued to see my outpatient team once a week and got weight. My weight seemed to fluctuate quite a bit but I always sat around a bmi of 18. I hated my body. Deep down I knew that I couldn’t be obese, I weighed less than (most) of my friends did and I wore a smaller size of clothes than the majority of them, but still, when I looked in the mirror I saw someone who could do with loosing a stone. I hated not being able to rely on my ability not to eat to make me feel better. During the summer when I received my exam results, I was elated when I got straight A’s. I felt like I could do something with my life and I felt as though I wasn’t as stupid and useless as I thought. I was motivated to work to the future and do something about my life. However, only the day after this, my mood was back to its usual, and I was again gorging at night, and starving throughout the day. I was unhappy, but couldn’t do anything about it.

I had managed for over a year after being discharged from hospital to stay an acceptable weight. Although it was still classified as underweight I was allowed to maintain as my periods came back in the summer of 2009. I didn’t look thin anymore and this scared me each and every day. In Novemeber 2009, something in my brain switched, and it wasn’t for the better. I cut down my calories, a lot. I only managed to go for two weeks eating 300 calories a day before my mum noticed and demanded extra support from my outpatient team. I have no idea what had changed in my mind. Looking back, I was having trouble at school. I’d always been top of the class and regularly got the top marks in the class (not to boast guys..ahh I sound such a big head here!!), however I was beginning to struggle. I found myself falling behind and the homework and course work was getting on top of me. The only thing I felt I could do right was to not eat. I don’t know WHAT part of my brain thought this was a good idea and the way forward, but a part of it did, and this is the part of my brain that I stupidly decided to follow. In this time I lost quite a bit of weight. It wasn’t overly noticeable as it was mainly water weight, however my mum noticed and was incredibly worried. I was then threatened with readmission to hospital despite the fact I wasn’t an extremely low weight. I felt even worse when I was told “your face still looks really healthy”. I was plagued with the image in my head that I had a massive, chubby, fat face, which in my mind could only = a huge, chubby, fat body. The night after the appointment I sat with my mum for an hour as she tried to force a jam sandwich down me. This was the same jam sandwich (well not the EXACT same one..) that I had shoved down my face only a month ago, which I then followed with another sandwich and a bowl of cereal. I don’t know why it was so hard. The final straw was when my mum tried to shove it down my throat. I grabbed it from her and squashed it and threw it in the bin. She then went and made me another one. The devil in my head managed to come to a compromise. Instead of eating the sandwich, id eat a yoghurt, which in my head, I knew was over 100 calories less than the bread snack she wanted me to eat.

Over the Christmas period I struggled. Despite eating very little my weight crept back up to over 17 again and settled there for a while. I was eating minimal yet my body was in starvation mode so was maintaining and wasn’t loosing. I felt horrible. I felt it was my body’s way of telling me I didn’t need to eat. This didn’t last overly long though and by January I was back to my starving all day, binge eating at night. I’d occasionally go completely overboard and it would turn into a proper binge and these times made my mood incredibly low. My weight maintained at a bmi of around 17.5 to 18. It was only around a month ago, mid may 2010 that I began to eat during the day. I’m eating a very minimal amount of calories, half the amount someone my age should eat but at the moment my weight is maintaining. I’m not sure what my bmi/weight is at the moment as I’m too scared to step on the scales but I know for a fact that I’m not loosing weight. Basically, I’m stuck in a rut. I’m not eating very much. It seems as though I’m eating loads and I’m eating sufficient because I’m eating at regular periods however the calories are not NEARLY enough to be sufficient to keep me going at my age. The thing is, if I up my calories at all I’ll gain weight and I’m incredibly scared of this happening. I don’t NEED to gain weight. I’m allowed to be this weight. I have my periods and everything. But I know I cant continue on this low intake forever. It will stop me doing so much. I guess I just need advice!

I decided to start a blog as I think it could help me. I will probably post a few times a week, but I don’t know if anybody will read it so I’ll just see how things go. I’m really interested in changing my eating habits and experimenting and changing the way and things I eat, which seem to be the same every day. I’d love to get to know people on here!

Lots of love xxxx

About mapledreams

I'm Laura, your not so typical teenager! Fighting my way through recovery and trying to enjoy life!
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

52 Responses to My story!

  1. Hey girl, thanks for sharing your story. I’m sure a lot of people can relate to it, and will find comfort knowing they’re not alone in their struggles.

    You’ve come so far and been through so much; I’m so sorry that you’re still struggling, though :( I know you feel like you probably don’t need to gain any more weight, but I think your body is of a different opinion. It’s still in starvation mode and you’re only going to do serious harm to it AND your metabolism if you stay here for long.

    A BMI of under 18.5 is still considered underweight and unhealthy. It doesn’t matter if you’re getting regular periods, as a lot of girls get their periods back at BMI’s as low as 15; periods and BMI’s are poor indicators of whether or not you’re body is in a good enough place. You have to go by how you feel both mentally and physically.

    “But I know I cant continue on this low intake forever. It will stop me doing so much.” You KNOW you need to gain, girl. The rational part of your brain knows what’s right. It’s only the ED side that’s trying to convince you to stay here or dip lower, and you don’t want to listen to that side… it never leads to anything good.

  2. Kelsey says:

    WOW what a journey!!! so many people can relate and im so happy you are honest about where you are in ur life. you are nothing hsort of inspiring. you are radiant and gorgeous and im so happy you chose to start blogging. welcome love <3 <3

  3. Kelsey says:

    my only advice to add is that you remember that “you know inside you need to make changes” take baby steps.. challenge urself each day “ie. today i will try a new food im a little anxious of to prove that im okay with it” or “today at breakfast i will add one safe food but also one not so safe food” … and even ” for dinner i will allow myself to have an extra serving of (blank) if i am still a little hungry, and tell myself im okay and worth it”

    xoxo

  4. Natalie says:

    hey! i’m glad you decided to start blogging and sharing your story. i know it must be tough what you’re going through now, but at least you ARE interested in changing your eating habits. i hope that you will take a look at the healthy eating blogs on the net (there are tons, i can recommend some if you would like) and take inspiration from them! make a few new recipes, try some new foods, don’t be afraid of food – but enjoy it.. i think it will be encouraging to see how others in the blogging community treat food – as nourishment, as feel, as a source of pleasure. don’t hesitate to reach out if you are struggling! this is a start – but yes, amanda said some wise things up above – listen to her =)

  5. Thanks for sharing your story! I hope that you find blogging helpful for you :)
    <3 <3

  6. lisasfoods says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you’re doing better, and hope that you continue to get healthier.

    Thanks for commenting on my blog too – it’s always a treat to find new bloggers.

  7. The voice of e.d. is a terrible liar. It comes only to steal, kill & destroy (as you have experienced). E.d. tells you you do not need to gain weight, but your body is trying to tell you that you do. You have already come so far!!!! The same things happened to me. I wasn’t eating enough, but I was maintaining at a very low amount of calories. It was not healthy and was damaging my metabolism and my body more and more each day.
    Your metabolism has slowed from the lack of input it is recieveing. Try increasing your calories by just 50 a week and see what happens :) Show your body some love and feed it properly ! :) Instead of thinking “omgsh i am going to gain weight” think of “OH MY GOODNESS! I AM GAINING HEALTH AND HAPPINESS”!! you CAN do this and the reward is so beautiful and so wonderful!

    I hope this helps !! :)

    Best of wishes <3 Kaity

  8. Serena says:

    Thanks for commenting on my blog!

    I can relate to a lot of how you felt. No, my eating habits have never turned into anything one could label ‘dangerous’ (ie. I’ve never been hospitalized) but I’ve gone through more than my fair share of weight struggle/ obsessions.

    You are beautiful! Truly, no matter what you may think at a given time. To be more preachy, We are beautiful for who we are not just what we look like.
    Anyway, DON’T be scared about being seventeen. It is a GREAT year. People kept telling me this and I wouldn’t believe them. Sixteen is such a hype, and so is eighteen (well I’m about to turn eighteen so I HOPE it’ll be a great year! ahh) but seventeen? Never gets mentioned! But it really, truly was a GREAT year for me. xx

  9. Aww girl I can relate to so much of your story. Thanks so much for sharing. It really helps to read that others have gone through what I did. And it just gives me motivation to keep on gettin better. :)

    I’m so sorry you’re still struggling. I know how hard it is to accept that we need to gain weight. I know I’ve gained in the past few months and surprisingly, I’m okay with it now because I feel so much healthier and happier. I just want to reassure you that you WILL feel the positive results of a little weight gain, I promise!!

    It sounds like you’re maintaining your weight on so few calories because you’ve really messed up your metabolism. It might help to get some advice from a nutritionist on how to get it back in order.

    Good luck girl! I’ll be reading your blog and cheering you on. :)

  10. highonhealthy says:

    Hey, hun! You are absolutely gorgeous and don’t you ever think otherwise. I know it’s not easy to overcome an ED as I’m still working on it but I know that you’ll have the strength to beat this. I’m glad you shared your story and I hope that you keep fighting with all you’ve got. It’s so worth it. :)

    Blogging is extremely therapeutic and it can play a huge part in recovery. I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts!

  11. solskinn88 says:

    ” I’m allowed to be this weight. ”
    There is nobody, except for your body who decide what is the right weight.
    And from reading your story your body is not happy. If you had asked it, it would make it very clear that this is not a weight that is sustainable for it.

    You have a very strong story, and I could feel tears coming while reading it. You have been through a lot, and you have show a lot of strength. But you need help, and I wish there was something I could do for you. But sitting here all I can offer you is my fullest support to seek more help, because you deserve love, life, happiness. You deserve good health, and you do not have that at the moment.
    I know how difficult it is. My mind went black when I first recieved proper help, I scared my mother, that is how uncontrollable my behaviour was. I was angry. Sad. But most of all afraid.
    But it is hope, it is possible to work your way through and to experience sunshine again.
    It is a long and difficult journey, but it is worth taking. Few people can manage it all on their own, and you should not feel like a failure for asking for help.
    Please do, before it is too late.

    Hedda

  12. unibegins says:

    Hi

    You definitely have been through alot. I was threatened with hospital adimission a while back, but put on such a lot in that week before my assesment that I managed to stay out of it.

    Now I’m like you. I’ve gained to a better bmi (although still very underweight) and I’m now stuck in a rut. It seems like the only thing that made me gain weight in the first place was the threat of hospital, but now that’s past. At the moment I just seem to be maintaining (or gaining a very little amount each week) which i know needs to change very soon…like right now!

    I hope that you find support through the world of blogging. I know I have and it has helped me immensley.

    Something that has helped me, is writing lots of motivational statments in a notebook and then reading them over and over whenever I feel like I’m going backwards – try it, it could work for you.

    xxxx

  13. Amy says:

    Hey lovely!
    Thank you for sharing what you’ve been through, I hope writing it down helped you realise what amazing progress you’ve made so far and how different your mindset is from a few years ago. It might take a while before you feel entirely comfortable with yourself but YOU CAN GET THERE!!

    I can relate to lots of things in your story, and right now I think we’re in pretty similar positions weight-wise ie not dangerously underweight but still not healthy (yet!). Getting your period back isn’t a good decider of whether you’re healthy cos mine came back at a bmi of just under 15! You DO need to gain more weight if you want to be in a safer place and less likely to relapse in the future.

    Thanks for your comment on my blog :) It’s really good to know that other people have the same worries as me and I’m not alone!

    Amy x

  14. Laura,
    I am so glad you posted on my blog.. because it lead me straight to yours! Welcome to the world of blogging :) I hope that you find it as helpful as I do!

    I can relate to your story so much, it’s scary. Right down to the restricting during the day and overeating at night… and there have been many weekly phases where I don’t eat near enough the amount that someone my age should eat, and I continue to maintain instead of lose. It’s like our bodies have some sort of built in alarm that protects us from losing weight after we put it back on.

    Seeing as I am in the same boat as you, I don’t have too much advice.. but I will say that your body maintains on a RANGE, not a specific number. If you were to up your intake 500 calories every day, there is a huge chance that you won’t gain anything. I know from experience because I did it a few weeks ago.

    I can’t wait to read more updates and learn more about you. <3 Tat

    Ps.. You are STUNNING! I love the picture :)

  15. Such a powerful story – I am glad you are sharing with the world, and are blogging because you think it may help you. There is so much world for you to explore out there, and something for you to become passionate for, to strive for. Maybe to dance again? Food is sure to fuel that desire, because it is, in turn – what fuels us.
    Hang in there, and keep challenging yourself – just a little bitty one a day is a huge step forward! And as others have mentioned – don’t be afraid to ask for support or help. It’s not a sign of weakness – it’s a sign of strength.

  16. Sophie says:

    Hi, thanks for sharing your story, I can relate to a lot of it.
    Well done for trying to normalise your eating, I know how hard it can be to take the step to begin making changes. I know it feels hard to eat more when people are accepting your current weight but try to remember that this is YOUR life. You’ve seen that maintaining these weights and controlling your intake leaves you stuck and not living your life to the fullest. You deserve to really live and to be free from the restrictions that life with an eating disorder entails. People may accept that you maintain this weight because it’s better than you were, but why have half a life when you could pursue true happiness and health?
    Sophie xxx

  17. Thanks for sharing your story with us. It really takes a lot of inner strength to be able to share such intimate and personal details. I wish you the best and I look forward to reading your blog! Please feel free to contact me for support :) I’m always here!

  18. You’re a beautiful girl. Thanks for sharing your story. I definitely felt tears coming along as I read it, because I could identify with almost everything you said… I didn’t go through treatment, though.

    I think that you still have a ways to go, though. How do you know that if you up your calories you’ll gain weight? For a lot of recovering anorexics they find that when they start eating they actually LOSE weight. Not that that’s what you want, but honestly you’re still on the cusp of being a healthy weight. I’m looking forward to reading your blog and about your continued recovery! Stay strong, girl, we’re all here for you. :)

    Wei-Wei

  19. clem says:

    Wowzers, you have had so much struggle in your life, i really feel for you hun. but now is your chance to make things right, to get back on track and live your life how you want to, healthy and free from this horrible ED, you CAN do it!

    Altho some days may feel like it is a hopeless cause, there will be days that you feel you can take it on and kick ass. Its all about consistency. think back to the times when you HAD to eat more, like when you were in the hospital… you would have been consuming vast amounts of food and it didnt kill you did it?! i bet you didnt even gain that much, despite feeling like you had. ED has a nasty way of tricking us into thinking we are something we’re not… you have to remind yourself of that fun bubbly person you were pre-ED and fight to get back to that…
    Happiness is out there, you just have to fight for it :-)
    Good Luck!! x

  20. megmotts says:

    The road to recovery is definitely not an easy road. But it’s possible. I’m sorry to hear that you’re having struggling right now. Seems as if you’ve been down a very rocky path. But just know that it’s never to late to start fresh. Tomorrow is a new day. Recovery is a choice. Each and everyday, WE have the choice to say “Today is going to be a good day and I’m going to do this.” It might not be an easy choice to make, but it can be done.

    ED never does any good for us. It’s always a false sense of happiness and comfort. It’s a quick fix. Only YOU can set yourself free from this disorder. Family and friends are always there to support you 100%, but ultimately only you can fight this. You need to find what works for you. What things do YOU like to do? Replace those things with your ED behaviors. Yes it is definitely easier said than done, but like I said before, it CAN be done.

    I know that feeling of “I don’t need to gain anymore weight.” But we aren’t the best at making judgments and doing what’s best for our bodies. By working with a treatment team and eating a proper meal plan, your body will get to its “set point.” Our bodies were there fighting for us during our deepest times in our ED’s. Now it’s our turn to give back and do what’s right for our body. Weight/numbers don’t define you. And they never will. You are who you are. Love yourself. You deserve to be happy and healthy forever. Live your life to the fullest. We only get one life and one body so cherish every moment! The road to recovery is such a journey. Everyday you get to learn new things about yourself that you never would have realized if you stayed with ED.

    One of my favorite quotes is “No one said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.”

    Stay strong<3
    xoxo Megan

  21. homecookedem says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know that so many other women out there can relate. One thing I can tell you is that in the year I’ve had my blog, I have overcome SOOO many of my issues!! Dare I say, I almost feel, normal? And that same normalcy is possible for you too. Keep blogging and getting your feelings out. The support you will receive in this blogging community will blow you away.

    Much Love,
    Em

  22. Katharina says:

    Wow! This is quite a story and parts of it sound all too familiar. I use to think recovery wasn’t possible, but here I am today and I can say to you that it does exist. The key is that you have to really want it. Of course it won’t be perfect because what is? Just do the best you can and if it ever feels like too much you can ALWAYS reach out for support. You don’t have to do everything on your own. Being able to communicate your struggles (with anything in life) can be hard and takes courage, but no one will think any less of you for doing so. In fact, it’s appreciated! It means that you trust someone and knowing that someone trusts you is so heart warming. I wish you the best of luck with everything and I hope blogging helps you! Just remember to do what’s best for you, surround yourself with things that aren’t triggering, and just be YOU. You deserve more than just eating, you deserve to LIVE your life. You can and you will :)

    XOXO

    http://www.ohonemorething.wordpress.com

  23. Hi Laura, This is quite the story! I just hope you listen to your body and what it needs rather than what your mind might tell you. There are lots of healthy living blogs of women who enjoy life, their meals, etc and you should too. Best of luck on your journey! A few blogs I’d recommend are:

    carrotsncake.com
    katheats.com
    healthytippingpoint.com
    operationbeautiful.com (by the author of healthy tipping point)
    ohsheglows.com

  24. You are really courageous for sharing your story.
    I wish I could give you all the right advice to keep you on track, but I’m probably the worst person to do that. I’ve never had an ED but my body image is VERY poor. On the surface I know I am beautiful and strong, but deep down there is always that inner voice that seems to disagree.
    I hope that you can find a way to battle your negative inner voice. I’m still struggling with mine

  25. Nic says:

    hey sweetie!! thanks so much for your comment!!
    haven’t had the time to read your post, but i’m looking forward to it!!
    have a good day!!

  26. That’s a powerful story you have there. You should be proud of yourself for speaking out and sharing your own struggle. It sounds like you have a family that loves you and wants to help… which is a blessing. Eating disorders are such complex creatures that they seem to morph from one extreme to the next… fasting, purging, binging… faster than you realize… and you’re left wondering what to eat… when to eat… if you should eat…

    But it isn’t about eating… or the food… or a schedule… or the calories… or your weight. It really isn’t. It’s about recognizing that your self-esteem, your value, your intrinsic self-worth… comes from something outside you. It comes from an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ… and I firmly believe that knowing Him… is the only way to truly overcome an eating disorder. It’s all about grace and love. You can’t be perfect…. you will never be perfect… but you can accept His grace. And that grace can cover a lot of hurt and insecurity.

    Much luck to you on your journey. I look forward to reading more.

  27. Thanks for stopping by my blog! Your story was heartbreaking and I hope you will find the strenght to recover! welcome to the blog world, I’m sure you will find massive amounts of support here :)

  28. thehungryscholar says:

    Thanks for sharing your story. I love the honesty.

    I am sure you will find your blogging experience rewarding; it is such a great community.

  29. Nicole says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. While I personally cannot relate, I know a lot of bloggies can. And the blogging community will provide you with so much love and support to conquer just about anything food and nutrition-related! All my best your way :)

  30. Killian says:

    Wow! How long did it take you to write that because it took me like 25 minutes just to read it! Your story is so sad, but it’s just like so many of us. It’s amazing how similar all of our stories are, ED is just a rerun really isn’t it? But seeing that you can really make the decision to get help from the blogworld and change for the better is really good inspiration. You are a gorgeous girl, I would hate to think that ED is still a part of your life, even when everyone thinks that you’re ‘recovered’. I hope the blogworld is something that really changes your recovery process for the better, and never forget that we are all here for eachother for support and encouragement.

    Don’t ever be shy,
    Killian

  31. Nicky says:

    Hey lovely,
    thankyou so much for sharing your story..it takes a lot of courage to do that. I too can relate so much to your story and it brought me to tears to read it as I could see some of my own painful past there too. I too have been hospitalised (three times actually..) and I first got ill because I was jealous of my best friend who looked amazing..
    What is so positive though is that there is a part of you that wants to change as you wouldn’t have started this blog otherwise! You know that you’re not eating enough and you’re metabolism is all messed up and I’m exactly the same. Recently iv been trying to eat more and I’m actually starting to lose weight..that’s how messed up the body can get with these horrid eating disorders! I can promise you that even if you start to increase your intake a little, nothing bad is going to happen. The worst that can ever happen with food is you gain a little weight BUT right now you’re not at a healthy weight so this ISNT bad for YOU. So there is nothing to be scared of..easier said than done though right? I always try to remember the times I was in hospital and how much I had to eat when I was there to gain weight and how little exercise I was doing too! Then I look at what I’m eating and how I can live normally and see that it’s not so bad in comparison but because I’m more active living normally, my body NEEDS to be having as much as I was then. But the good thing is, is that now you have the choice of what you eat so you can have things that you actually enjoy.
    Recovery is the hardest thing you will ever have to do and it takes so much strength to do it but I know that it is possible because I’ve seen people do it and that gives me hope that one day I will see the light and be happy and healthy again too. You just have to reach out and use people around you because even though ‘you alone can do it, but you can’t do it alone’ meaning that recovery is your decision but you need people to help you.
    I know that things can get better for us, we just need to keep making the little steps because they all count. And you deserve a happy life again because you ARE stunning and talented and you sound lovely :) you have everything going for you, you just need to see it.
    xxx

  32. clem says:

    hey, thankyou so much for your comment. it was just the reminder i needed to put things in perspective… Im very worried at the moment cos this threat of IP is looming over me and altho i desperately want to gain, i keep finding myself blocked somehow, i dont know why? its like im pushing against a pull door! i think my main problem is not feeling like im that serious of a case… which is silly cos i know that my BMI is well under what is normal and ive been told that if im a serious candidate for IP and if i were in there, id probs be on total bedrest with a wheelchair to get me about, which to me seems like madness when i feel ‘fine’! but clearly i am NOT fine and what i think i need is someone with experience of this situation to show me what could happen if i dont pull my finger out and take this seriously. Its possible that if i havent gained and proven that im strong enough to recover in the community, then my doc will send me to IP for a short-term stay to get me going, like over the summer holidays when school is out so it doesnt interfere with my job… obviously i dont want to go, but i want to know what to expect, almost so i can try and bring some of that structure into my recovery at home… but what would really help is if could you tell me your experience of IP, what was your routine like there, what was the food intake like? did you have to be completely sedentary for the whole stay? and how long did you have to be in for etc… any advice or information you can give me would be a massive help, cos to be honest, i just feel abit lost right now!
    feel free to post on my blog or email if its easier…. and THANKYOU!!! x

  33. determinedtoshine says:

    Thanks for sharing your story Laura! You’ve been through so much and I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written. I hope blogging proves to be helpful for you :)
    You’re a beautiful girl btw!

    x Hannah

  34. you are absolutely beautiful and incredibly strong. i just want you to know that.
    i’ve been exactly where you are, gone through the same things, and battled the same thoughts, especially the “binge” ones. it’s so hard to get through the day sometimes, i know, but it WILL get better.
    your body is crying out for nutrients, for food, for love, especially during recovery. you have come such a long way, you should be so proud of yourself. just know that you are SO much more than a number. numbers don’t tell you who you are, they don’t tell you how much you’re worth, and they don’t determine anything.
    if you ever need anything, someone to talk to/rant at, or just someone to listen, please feel free to e-mail me at laurenfordessert@hotmail.com
    never forget how beautiful, strong, wonderful, and AMAZING you are.

  35. nattietan says:

    Hey Laura, thanks for dropping by my blog and offering me such incredible insight. You’re right, I don’t want to look back on my life one day and feel regret at having ‘wasted’ so much time on this dreaded disease. And similarly, I believe, neither do you. I guess it is always easy to know what it is we should be doing, but doing it is the most difficult part.

    You are so brave in sharing your story and you really have fought hard to come so far. Of course, there is still ways to go and in terms of maintaining your current weight with a low calorie intake, it probably has to do with your body struggling to hold on to all the nutrients it can at the moment. Upping your intake may increase your weight but only temporarily, especially once your metabolism revs up again. Again, you probably know this already, as I do, but it’s putting it into practice that’s most difficult.

    Hun, stay strong, keep your chin up. You’re a beautiful girl and you too deserve so much more in life – you deserve good health, energy, happiness. And you can. Let’s do this together and not allow ED to take away any more than it already has.

    Much love,
    Nat xoxo

  36. Mitri says:

    Thank you so much for your comment! I read this entire post because I am in awe of your strength to overcome this disorder. I have not experienced nearly what you have, but I have experienced disordered eating / compulsive exercising. I hope you find peace through blogging; it’s really a great way to explore who you are as you fight against the irrational thoughts. You can find a lot of support here :) To break free from your rut, give yourself small goals like trying an old favorite food one day or eating out with your family. Your body is in starvation mode if it’s maintaining on a low number of calories because your body is clinging literally to every calorie you give it. You need more to thrive! Like some people said above, having a period or a certain BMI is not really a proper indicator of health, physical and mental.

    KEEP FIGHTING, STAY STRONG, AND WELCOME TO THE BLOGWORLD! :D You will find some inspiration & tasty eats here, I think! Can’t wait to read more from you.

  37. feerlessfood says:

    Hey there! Thanks for commenting on my blog and for being comfortable enough to share you story. It is a tough struggle so please let me know if there is anything I can do to help out! Talk to you soon

  38. Chelsey says:

    You are so brave. I wish I had the courage you do about being so open and honest with the world. I, and others I am sure, are so very proud of you.

    You also have such a talent for writing. I cannot believe you are only sixteen years old. Your words sing off of the page. I can’t wait to read more and more!

    Thanks for stopping by my page today! xoxo Chelsey

  39. Erica says:

    First off, I’m so glad you decided to start a blog! I think it will be a great outlet for you! And I think you will definitely help others out there who have suffered. You are just gorgeous yourself ;) Thank you for the comment on my blog, can’t wait to read more!

  40. Hello, there! Thank you for commenting on my blog – I love connecting with others in the healthy living blog world!

    And thank you for sharing this amazing story. You have no idea how many people are going to be touched by your words. I know I was.

  41. lalootarr says:

    Oh man, that journey sounds horrible and trecherous. But making a blog is a huge step, and the amount of support you’ll get on here is tremendous! I’ll be reading, I promise! We’re in this together, and we’re getting better!

    ~Alexandra

  42. Matt says:

    Hey thanks for commenting on my blog and sharing your story. If you need to talk, feel free to contact me.

  43. You’re so brave for sharing this story! I’m glad you’re on the road to recovery, but remember that it’s a long process, and your body needs to ease into eating more. For about a year, I convinced myself that I just had a slow metabolism and 1600 calories a day was normal…it wasn’t! Getting to a healthy BMI is so important for your health girl, you can do it!! Welcome to the community- it’s a great group of very supportive people, so don’t be afraid to reach out :)

  44. Hey pretty lady! Kudos to you for being so honest and sharing your story :). I know sharing so much takes courage!

    P.S. My Scottish Terrier (who has never been to Scotland) says hi!

  45. caronae says:

    Hello Laura. Thank you for having the courage to share your difficult story. Always remember that your WORTH is not tied to your size. Your BEAUTY is on the inside. I urge you to seek help from a counselor or psychologist in addition to a nutritionist. They will be able to offer you more help. The blog is a great place to start and can be an amazing outlet. Good luck gaining — I know it sounds scary but your body needs a little fat, especially for your brain to function. It sounds like you are such a smart girl! Getting healthy will allow you to achieve your dreams, pursue the career you want, etc. I know you can do it. You can always contact me (or anyone else in blogland) for support. High School can be a very difficult time. Try not to let the stresses and pressures from others get to you. I promise, the adult world is more fun. :)

  46. Gummy Bear says:

    Your story is very touching, and I can relate to it well cause I too am trying to overcome an eating disorder. Try thinking of eating as nourishing your body (it really is!) instead of just putting calories into your body. Your body doesn’t make you feel hungry or show signs of malnutrition just to be mean! It’s telling you what it needs to STAY ALIVE. So please listen to it and help it stay alive by giving it the energy it needs to do that! I believe in you and that one day you will be able to live like a normal person again ;) I will aim to do the same. <3 Emily

  47. dmcgirl37 says:

    Hey love,

    Thanks for sharing the story..As you know so many of us have had very similar experiences! I’m happy you decided to get your own blog, it will bring you so much support. It has helped me SOOO much..I think it also shows that you WANT to get healthy, which is awesome :)

    I’m looking forward to reading more.. Let me know if you need anything..

    Dana xo
    http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/

    PS you look gorgeous in that pic !!

  48. Alexis says:

    Phewf! Quite the journey!
    I can relate to SO much of the thoughts and events that you have experienced, and am in much a better place now. I hope that this blog is beneficial to you throughout the incredible journey called recovery. I am following, and will be reading, although I have issues with commenting on wordpress on two out of my three computers!
    Keep your chin up, lovely lady! So many phenomenal things come when you choose life.

  49. Thanks for sharing your story. You are a powerful writer. Stay strong, girly…we’ll be here for you!

  50. Katherine: What About Summer? says:

    nice to read about you; glad to hear such a strong story! keep up living life in such an amazing way
    Katherine

  51. Joanne says:

    What a road you’ve travelled. Sharing it with bloggers is such a positive step in the right directions. There are so many people suffering with disordered eating and it’s difficult to understand.
    One thing is for sure, you need to be happy and it looks like you are making progress. Good luck on your journey and never EVER hesitate to share. There are people who will help. You have one life, live it to the fullest.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s