random outbursts are my thing!

WOW.

I firstly want to say a massive thankyou. I was absolutely overwhelmed with all the welcomes, advice, well wishes and encouragement from everybody on my first post. They meant the world today and everytime i received a new one, a huge smile was spread across my face. So wonderful how amazing and supportive everybody is! I’ve never known ANYTHING like it before! So thankyou guys:-)

So, I broke up from school for Summer on Friday! School was extremely pointless throughout the last week, i must say! We watched DVD’s in every single class! i would much rather have been at home watching “This Morning” followed by an afternoon of trashy TV chatshows and agony aunt type shows! However, despite the boring, dull, dragging day, when 3.45pm rolled around on the last day and it was eventually time to go home, the releif that penetrated itself through my body was like nothing i have EVER felt before in my life! In May I had the biggest exams of my life to date. I was so stressed and the intense studying had really taken its toll on me. i am in desperate need of a rest, and a relaxing set of holidays! So that is me off on holiday! I go back to school on the 14th (i think) of August, and i have absolutely nothing planned! I’m not going abroad anywhere this year, unfortunately, however i am in London very often, normally once a month, so i expect i’ll be taking at least a few trips down south to the wonderful city! I have lots of friends down in London who i have met through my passion for musical theatre, so it’s always amazing to see them!! (more about that in another post i think!)

The past few weeks on the eating disorder front have been pretty much the same! I’ve managed to increase slightly despite the fact i’m not “supposed” to be gaining any weight right now. i’ve only seen a little increase in my weight which hasn’t freaked me out too much! i’m still consuming a very little amount of calories, still lots less than a girl my age “should” be, however as i’m at a healthy weight, it’s really hard to force myself to increase in fear of gaining masses! I’m still in a complete routine however and am consuming the same things day in, day out. Don’t get me wrong, i do enjoy the things i am eating, and they are all really, really tasty, however they just something get a little repetitive and boring! I’ve never been a person for healthy eating. Even during the darkest stages of my anorexia, i was never overly concerned with nutrients and how healthy my diet was. I was always just focused on eating the least amount of calories i could, and it didn’t matter if i ended up eating all of the same types of food. I must admit, i’m still similar to that. I am a little more aware however of healthy eating, and reading blogs online has helped me to become interested in healthier eating, and giving my body what it NEEDS not what i think it wants. I do still eat chocolate every day however, which i guess is a good thing! I do feel quite guilty whenever i consume it though, as i always opt for milk chocolate or the white variety as i don’t like dark chocolate. I know that milk chocolate has no health benefits whereas dark chocolate boasts them, so i feel if i’m going to eat chocolate at all, it should be of the dark type! I know this is silly though and should just be able to eat what i ENJOY, not JUST what makes my insides happy! I’m sure i’ll get over this niggling guilt soon though! What are your “treat” foods? The foods you like to indulge in that have little health benefits?

I used to exercise alot. Like, alot, alot. I wouldn’t stop all day, however in the past year or so, i’ve completely stopped and i don’t do a thing. I think part of the reason i don’t do any is that i’m so scared that it will become an addiction again. Once I start, i can’t stop. For a period around christmas, i started going on long daily walks, and slowly that turned into walking on the spot for around 6 hours every single day. That all stemmed from me going a 30 minute walk each day. I have an extremely addictive personality and it seems that it’s either all or nothing with me. Thankfully that only lasted for around 3 weeks and i was stopped by my theropy team! I know that i need to do something more though to keep fit. I just don’t know what. Or where to begin! Although my BMI is still the very low end of normal (apparantly), i know that i’m unfit! There’s a big difference between being underweight and unfit! And i seem to be falling in to the latter catogery later! What do you recommend? How can I get back into exercise? What things can i do to make it FUN and not an addiction or a chore? What do you do and how do keep motivated, without getting carried away? In need of help!

The other week, i suffered a major lapse in confidence and motivation. TWICE(!!) within three days i was told my “face looks really healthy even though i’m still on the thin side”. I read this as “i’m looking fatter in the face”. And it was made even worse when i was told by another person “i’ve always had a round face anyway so it’s nothing to worry about”. A ROUND FACE. It felt like i’d been punched in the chest. I have always been really conscious of my face and it’s definitely one of the parts of my body i’m most self conscious about so hearing this was just a kick in the teeth really. I was so tempted to restrict and the urge to exercise was horiffic however i managed to push through the urges and temptations that my brain threw at me! The initial shock and upset had worn off within a day, but the horrible reality of it stayed laying dormant for ages. In fact it’s still there. It’s always been a problem for my mind, however in the past week or two it’s become worse! It seems, according to family, friends and doctors, that i’ve also always had a problem with making eye contact with people, and in fact has lead them to beleive that like my brother i may be on the autistic spectrem,(however..i digress..), however since these comments i’ve found myself deliberately avoiding eye contact as i can’t bare people to look at my face! My body image all together has been a little better in the past week or two and i’m slowly accepting that this is ME. I am a person. Not a “weight”. however there are still some things and triggers that make me see a heffalump whale slash boulder when i look in the mirror!

I’ve been so tired recently! I have just been rediagnosed with anemia again and am waiting on iron injections (i can’t swallow tablets :(:()! I’ve never been a good sleeper but in the past year it’s got SO bad. I average on about 3 hours a night! I go to bed at around 11, but don’t actually sleep until 3am ish! Then i wake up between 6 and 7 and that’s it. I can’t back to sleep again. I’ve tried absolutely EVERYTHING. i’ve been dozed up on so many pill concoctions, none of which work. I’ve tried lavender. I’ve tried hot drinks before bed. i’ve tried reading a book before bed. i’ve tried not watching TV all day. Nothing seems to work!

I lay in bed just thinking of things. Not neccessarly worrying about things, but just thinking. Thinking of all the things i need to do the next day. What i need to say to people. People i need to text to see if they’re doing ok. But then i get scared i’m going to forget so have to get up, put my light on, whip out a notebook and jot everything down. It’s so time consuming. I wish i could just go to sleep at 11pm and not wake till 7am the next day! I’m totally not for afternoon naps and won’t even attempt one as i am so scared that if i do sleep during the day then it will be even more torturous at night! It’s really confusing and down right annoying! If anyone has any unusual tips or advice or exeperience, it would be MUCH appreciated!!

It’s my birthday in two days! On Wednesday the 7th July i’ll be turning 17! I’m not doing anyhting for my birthday. i’m not looking forward to it at all! I much prefer other peoples birthdays! I don’t want a fuss made, and in fact, i don’t even want to acknowledge that it’s my own birthday! it’s just a reminder of all the things i’ve lost and am still not allowing back in my life. I used to LOVE my birthday. I used to love the attention. I used to love the fuss. I used to love the parties. I used to love the whole occasion. But now it’s just a chore. It mucks up my normal routine, and just really reminds me of how little friends I have. How i’m unable to have a party in fear of being faced with social challenges and being faced with food challenges. I know i won’t allow myself a slice of my cake. I’ve never been a cake fan, however it was such an easy thing to just eat it when i was little, despite the fact not actually liking it. Now if i was to consume it, i’d just spend the whole day thinking about the “massive” number of “extra” calories i’d eaten. I’d spend the whole day feeling guilty about eating something i don’t actually like. But then there’s the part of me that just wants to fit in with my family. I don’t WANT to be different and have to sit with my “safe” snack in my bedroom instead of having fun downstairs with the family munching on chocolate cake and drinking full fat coke. I want to be able to eat what i want, when i want, without having to worry about working it off, or doing something to stop me gaining weight. So annoying! A constant bloody battle in my head! ANYWAY. i’m so sorry about all that negetivity!!

I really love the idea of posting my meals in pictures but right now that would be absolutely pointless seeing as though everything i eat is the same, day in, day out! Once i get out of the habit i’m definitely going to get snap happy:-).. i do tend to have a bad memory though, so i must actually REMEMBER to do that!

Anyway, i’ll be back very shortly probably, well i hope, with another update post, maybe a specific themed one! If there’s anything anyone would like to know, don’t hesitate to request:)

Once again, thank you so much for all the support. I was so overwhelmed with not only the quantity of comments but also the “quality”. Some of your comments made me think A LOT and some changed the way i look at certain things. Hope you are all well.

Lots of love,

Laura xxxx

ps: for any of you in the UK, who watched the search for the new Dorothy, and saw Danielle who won. WELL , i can proudly say, i have danced and sung with her, on a west end stage! Love the gurlllll!!! much love to danielle!

About mapledreams

I'm Laura, your not so typical teenager! Fighting my way through recovery and trying to enjoy life!
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8 Responses to random outbursts are my thing!

  1. Serena says:

    Ahh I can definitely sympathize with you in the face dept.
    I am so so so self conscious of my face. It’s like so massive and then my body is normal…. haha … when I was super thin my face looked “normal” but now I’m more “average” sized my face looks “fat” :/
    Part of it is me being really unfit though (I’ve never had an over exercising problem …I just have little motivation!) so I’m trying to do more physical exercises (and get off my butt!)

    I have tons of treat foods heh. :) Chocolate being the main one (although dark is my fave, esp. dark mint chocolate) and then dried fruits coming in a close 2nd. ;) Cookies/ cakes as well…hmm…

    Anyway you’re gorgeous and your face is NOT fat at all :o A lot of it is a body image thing (at least for me)
    anyway good luck hon!

  2. lisasfoods says:

    Enjoy the start of your summer holiday. Keep staying positive, and you’ll continue to feel healthier and more confident.

  3. clem says:

    haha, this sounds exactly like my school (except i have it from the other side, being a teacher!!) Its my final FULL week this week cos we break up midway thru next week and I…. CANNOT…. WAIT….. !!!!!
    i love the last days of school, yes… its totally pointless and you might aswell have broken up a few days earlier, but then you’d have the same feeling then and it would slip further and further until there would be no term at all (and wouldnt THAT be a shame! :-p)

    Ahh hun, i do the exact same thing, lying in bed thinking about stuff… sometimes its nothing in particular, just ‘stuff’. and then i think i might forget something so i have to write it down (no joke, i actually have a pad and pen by my bed-just in case!) but at the moment, ive been working so hard that ive had the pleasure of been gone as soon as i hit the pillow (except for when my neighbours sit outside gossiping loudly till 2am-grrr! so unfair, some of us have to be up at 6am!) so i can tell you that it DOES happen, even if you think this insomnia will last forever. its just a case of shutting off your mind… harder said than done, but maybe if you stop trying and stop worrying about it, it will happen naturally?? i wish i could recommend something exciting like “mix two teaspoons of honey counter-clockwise into a glass of tepid tea brewed at 5minute past the hour on the eve of the sabbath…..” but that would (most likely) be useless! Much like this nasty ED illness, mastering your mind is what works best, conditioning yourself to get out of habits and routines. your brain is used to not being able to sleep now, so subconciously, its not letting you go to sleep… Confused?!!?! (me too)

    Take care, and *said in a whisper*…. happy birrrrffday lovely! (that was me not maing a big deal) altho usually i would be wooping it up cos i LOVE bdays, mine, other peoples, i just love a good reason to celebrate! :-)
    xxxx

  4. Aww you’re beautiful :). And more importantly, you have a beautiful spirit!

  5. I’m all about weightlifting when it comes to exercise. Lifting weights helps you to build strength, develop a healthy BMI, and stengthens your bones as well. If you don’t have access to weights you can use your body weight for resistance.
    Start by focusing on major muscle groups (chest, back, legs) and resist the urge to just do a million crunches (you can’t spot reduce!). Maybe do some squats, pushups, chin-ups, plank rows, lunges, etc…

    Some people don’t like resistance training but I find it very fun! And maybe you’ll be too sore to get addicted!

    Cheers

  6. dmcgirl37 says:

    You are too cute! I love your face ;) dont let anyone tell you anything different! Your beautiful hun

    Dana xo

    http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/

  7. Thank you, sweet girl, for always leaving such kind comments on my blog :).

  8. Kelsey says:

    Hey love!

    I know it can be hard, and there are so many times when everything we know we should do to try and talk ourselves out of how we are feeling starts to fade, you will definitely have days when things seem to feel easier, and thoughts fade more quickly. just know that you are gorgeous and you look fabulous. as hard as it can be to deal with triggers, try to find ways to get rid of them. maybe something creative or artsy…painting, crafting etc. it can really focus the thoughts on something else even when it seems like nothing will help.

    XOXO <3

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